


Damaged

by RonaldRx



Series: BPD!RomanSionis - Vent Fics [3]
Category: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Self-Harm, Victor Zsasz is a good bf once again, it'll be explained better in the top note so just mind that pls, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27459364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonaldRx/pseuds/RonaldRx
Summary: Roman is plagued by intrusive thoughts. A new one was suddenly added, he is very distressed. Victor is a good boyfriend.
Relationships: Roman Sionis/Victor Zsasz
Series: BPD!RomanSionis - Vent Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000488
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Damaged

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo!
> 
> I've been writing on a different vent fic for days but I can't finish that for some reason. Then a new intrusive thought came to fuck up my night and here I am now. Writing this instead of going to sleep because I was scared I would actually experience an episode again. So, have this vent fic instead, lol.   
> Anyway. In my document this is titled as a BPD and OCD vent fic because the wounds Roman has here are from my OCD and also my neurodermatitis. SO, just bear with me that he somehow aquired them anyway but was just described to be stressed and itchy, yeah. I didn't wanna go all out on explaining anything else, ig.  
> Also, I hope Roman isn't too out of character, I tried my best to balance it and shit, so yeah.   
> Now:
> 
> TW // Self-Harm: Scratching, holding hands under hot water, punching the wall.  
> TW // Intrusive thoughts: not too graphic but self-destructive and violent (flaying and burning off skin with hot water, is what they are).
> 
> I really hope that was all. If you're triggered by any of this, don't read this or read it with caution, please. Thank you!
> 
> Enjoy, ig!
> 
> \- Ronny

Roman was actually having a pretty good day for once. He's been busy. He's had some business meetings that went surprisingly well and it was already into the evening, when he was done with everything else he's had to do that day.

So, when he eventually went to take a shower to wash away all the day's grime and feel more like a person again, he didn't exactly expect the thoughts that would push themselves into his brain so forcefully.

Sure, he's had thoughts like that basically all the time and sometimes it was pretty easy to just ignore them and sometimes they were all consuming and horrifying and hard to resist.

While he was standing under the warm spray of his shower, his mind was suddenly filled with these images, these thoughts, of turning the water to its hottest level and stand under it until his skin was scalded and starting to burn off. Or maybe he would just fucking flay himself, like when he told Victor to relieve someone of their face. 

He wanted it gone so badly. 

The past few weeks have been so stressful for him. He's been having these episodes so much more often than usual, not just fits of rage but desperation, hurt and anxiety. And in turn, his skin was itching so much and he kept trying to make it go away. Nothing was helping, though. He put his hands and forearms under cold water as to not hurt himself by trying to get rid of the itch. But often times, he would get so frustrated with it that he hit the spots that were so fucking itchy to make it stop for a moment. When that didn't help, he would put them under hot water instead, almost scalding himself. When that didn't help either, he would scratch himself until he bled. 

All that has led to his arms being full of dry, red patches of skin, bloody wounds where the skin split open or he scratched it open himself or both and it all went from his forearms down to his knuckles. It hurt. It looked disgusting. He felt like people would look at it and know he was broken. That he was damaged. So, naturally he wore his gloves like always, lucky that he even had them and was used to wearing them; and his suit jackets usually did a good job at hiding his arms, too.

Victor saw the wounds, of course. He couldn't hide them from him, no matter what. Zsasz didn't comment on it, just asked if he should get him something for it or if he could help in any other way. Roman told him off, though. He didn't want to talk about that. He knew nothing really helped him. He already put a thick layer of lotion on his arms and hands every night; and multiple times a day, if he could.

It was so exhausting. 

He wanted it to stop. 

That's where his thoughts and these images must have been coming from. His want to just get rid of this evidence of how fucking broken and beyond repair he was.

Yet again, not that burning or peeling his own skin off would make that any fucking better anyway.

He sighed as he finally got out of the shower and dried himself, successfully not having given into the urges. 

Though, he couldn't stop thinking about it or seeing these images, now. 

It was distressing and he felt sick. 

His heart was racing, his eyes burning. He was about to cry. 

Why was this happening to him? 

He didn't want to do these things. 

He didn't! 

He wanted it to stop. 

Why did he have to be so fucking broken? 

He squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled shakily. 

As he got dressed, he tried not to look at his arms or his hands, fearing it would make this worse. 

It kept replaying in his mind. 

Over and over again. 

It was so fucking exhausting. 

Stop.

Fucking stop!

He punched the wall, shouting "Stop!" 

It hurt. It distracted him for a moment. 

He was trembling. 

He could feel his wounded skin burn and sting, the punch re-opening freshly closed wounds. 

A few seconds later, he heard a knock at his bathroom door and a faint "Roman?" coming through it. Victor. 

"I'm alright, Zsasz," he said loud enough to be heard by Victor behind the door. 

There was silence for a moment but no footsteps, so Zsasz was still there. 

"Victor, I swear, I'm fine. Make me a drink, though, will you? When you're already here anyway..."

"Sure thing, boss." 

Roman in- and exhaled deeply a couple of times, trying to will down the trembling of his body. 

When he felt like he got it mostly under control, he got out of the bathroom and dressed in one of his many silk pajamas. After that, he put the lotion on his arms and hands, working it in, while trying to fight off these horrible thoughts. 

Zsasz came back to their room with the Martini in one hand, while he was still rubbing in the lotion. 

He took the drink from his partner and nodded in thanks, taking a sip. 

"Can I do anything for you? I thought the business deals went well today but I can kill them if you need me to," Victor said after a few seconds of silence. 

Roman chuckled hoarsely. 

"No, it's nothing like that. There's nothing you can do." 

Victor nodded, looking rather disappointed. 

"Get ready for bed. That is something you can do," he eventually commanded. 

Zsasz retreated to their bathroom and got himself ready, while Roman kept sipping on his Martini. He'd have to brush his teeth again after that but that was alright; it was worth it. 

Eventually, they settled into their bed, legs tangled, arms wrapped around each other. Roman buried his face in Victor's neck, like he was so used to doing. The feeling of those beautiful scars against his own unmarred skin of his face comforted him in a way. 

"Are you sure you don't wanna talk about what's been going on?" 

Roman made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat. "Fuck. I don't know. I don't think talking about it will be of any help. If anything, it'll only drive you away... Shit." 

"Roman... Y'know nothing can drive me away from you."

"You're just saying that." 

"'M not." 

Sionis sighed, squeezing Zsasz tightly. 

"Baby, I'm broken. Fucking damaged. No one wants damaged property." 

"I'm damaged, too, right? So what's the fucking difference?" 

"The difference is that your 'damage' has a fucking purpose! Mine is just... a hindrance. Something that shouldn't be. Something that doesn't fucking serve anyone. Something that doesn't help anyone, let alone myself of course. Something that keeps distressing me!" His voice started to break on every other word, the tears gathering in his eyes, making his vision blurry.

Victor started rubbing soothingly over his back at some point. 

"Don't say that. Look, I don't know shit about what you're actually saying. But I know that you're not really damaged or broken. You're perfect just the way you are, hm? D'you really think I'd have kept you alive for as long as I have if you weren't?" 

Roman chuckled brokenly.

"Fuck, yeah, okay. I know that... I just. Ugh. Fuck! I don't like talking about this crap. Can't we just go to fucking sleep? C'mon, baby." 

"We can go to sleep after you've told me what's really got you riled up."

Why was Victor so fucking persistent? 

They usually didn't have heart-to-heart's like that. It was for normal people. For disgusting, lifeless humans that didn't know what life could be if they just let go of the man-made restrictions. They were superior to those fucking sheep! 

Yet, here they were, talking about what's been on Roman's mind. It was ridiculous. 

He had to admit that it felt rather freeing, though. His mind quieted down a little since they started talking, while they were holding each other. 

He sighed. 

"Fine. I've been having these thoughts. Well. Images, mostly. And tonight, when I was taking a shower, a new one got added to those recurring images and what-not. It was about turning the water so hot it would burn my skin off if I stood under it long enough. It was about peeling my own fucking skin off, Victor! I just want it off, you know? Want it fucking gone. It's disgusting. It shows off that I'm broken. Fuck. I'm supposed to be better than all of them but I'm not, am I? Why? Why does this keep happening to me?!"

Victor squeezed him tightly, shushing him quietly as he got so worked up towards the end that his voice was breaking. 

"You're better than them. You know you are. You're gonna be alright. I'm here. I'll help you." 

Roman scoffed. "Yeah, right."

"I mean it." 

"I know. I just don't think I can be helped, you know? I'm certainly not gonna go and see a fucking doctor. I'm not gonna let someone poke around in there, fuck no!" 

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that when thoughts or images like that pop up, you get me and then I'll help you however I can, okay?" 

Sionis hesitated for a moment. Eventually he sighed and just whispered, "'Kay." 

Roman sighed again, closing his eyes and shifting so he was more comfortable again. He was surprised to admit that talking to Victor definitely calmed him down a lot. He felt like he was actually able to sleep, now. His mind finally shut up. 

"Can we sleep, now? I just want this day to fucking end." 

"Yeah, yeah, we can sleep, now."

With that, Roman fell asleep in his partner's arms and left this awful night behind himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you were able to enjoy this! I hope it wasn't too shit, I'm really fucking tired, lmfao. Love y'all.


End file.
